03.05.21

I have been wanting to blog for a very long time, but I kept writing in bits and pieces. I can’t just share a recipe and pretend nothing has happened. I can’t pretend that I am fine even though my world has turned upside down. I have always shared the ongoings in my personal life whenever I have blogged. I talked about me buying a house, I have talked about my mom going for an operation, and many other things. This year has been hard. Very hard. Almost too painful to accept the reality.

In my earlier post, I mentioned that my third brother had a fall, and he was hospitalized for that. Unfortunately, he is no more. The 3^rd of May 2021 turned our lives upside down. I know for me; things will never be the same again.

A month before Ramadan, I started making several recipe videos suitable for fasting month plus recipes for Eid too. I was extra excited as this would be the first time, I would be posting videos during Ramadan. I was looking forward to people cooking and iftar-ing with my recipes. As always, I also took on several cookie orders for Eid. About 300 bottles of cookies to be precise.

I absolutely LOVE Ramadan and I must have said this umpteen times on my blog. Ramadan is not going to feel the same now. My most favorite month of the Islamic calendar would always remind me how I lost one of the most important person in my life. I really don’t know how to feel about Ramadan. For the time being anyway.

03.05.2021

At 5pm as I was baking, my third Sister-in-law called with so much panic in her voice saying that my brother was not well. I stopped baking and both me and mom immediately got ready. The ride to the hospital took quite a while as it was peak hours. We didn’t panic much as my brother was already recovering. He has started walking with the help of a walking aid + he was going to be discharged from the hospital the following week.

When we reached, my eldest sis law tried to hug me and said, “he’s no more.” I pushed her aside thinking what nonsense she is saying. I saw my third sister aka his wife, sitting all numb. I exclaimed, he was already fine and all ready to go home as per the doctor’s instructions!

My mom said, “he must have fainted.” Then we were all being led to another room. As I was walking, I literally chanted “God, wake him up.” It was NOT possible that he passed away. I mean we were just discussing a couple of days ago, about what he would wear for Eid! He was eating KFC and Burger king a few days prior to this. He was whatsapping me in the morning. When the door opened, and I saw him lying down on the bed wrapped in a white cloth. I knew it was real. I don’t know how it was possible though.

I have gone through a couple of heartbreaks in life. At least that’s what I thought it was when a relationship gets over. But no, those emotions were nothing really. I know this is the real pain cause every time I think of him, there is this lump in my throat that badly hurts. Thinking of the face, the voice that I won’t get to see again. Although this is the second loss in the family; I lost my father when I was 5ish, an age that was too early to understand pain. The loss of my brother was really something else.

I have 3 elder brothers and I take great pride in that as all my brothers are amazing. Since I never really had a father growing up, my brothers were like my father. They were responsible both towards me and my mom. But my 3rd brother and me were the closest and we were similar in a lot of ways. His name is Jalaludin but my pet name for him is Bobbie and only I call him by that name. We texted every day and whenever we meet, we could talk for hours. He was also my go-to for everything.

Bidet leaking – Call Bobbie

Upset with mom or other family members – Message Bobbie to complain

Need some advice – Seek Bobbie opinion

Take pictures for the blog – Send to Bobbie

Makes money – Show Bobbie a screenshot of bank statement

Buy something new – WhatsApp Bobbie the pic

See some nice places for food recommendations – Forward to Bobbie (and he would come with that food)

My entire world revolved around him a lot and it was pretty much the same for him. I was his IT person whenever he needed help. If his WIFI was bad, he called me up instead of calling his internet service provider. Lol. He forwarded me recipe videos that caught his eye and in return, I would cook for him. He was always discussing business ideas with me. He wanted us to start a business together as we were the “thinkers in the family”. We were also the nonsense ones at times, always joking and fooling around.

He was in the hospital for 3 months and almost every night we would chat away. It became a habit to expect a meme on WhatsApp at 3 am from him. At times we had serious conversations while on other occasions, we are just nonsensical. I think I almost didn’t sleep at night for the entirety of the duration he was in the hospital because I kept expecting a message from him. I wanted to keep him company even though it was on chat. Whenever it rained, I felt bad that I was all cosy in my bed while he had to be on that hospital bed.

People say, “time is the biggest healer”, so I guess I would eventually get better. As for now, It is very hard to live a life without him. Suddenly there is nothing to look forward to. Yes, I know there are 11 other family members to love, but he was extra special. Our relationship with each other was like no other in the family.

There’s no more looking forward to someone calling me to come down outside my apartment because he would often buy food for me and mom. I would wait for him at the shelter as he come with packets of food. My legs would hurt because I would end up talking to him nonstop under the shelter. No one I can call when I ran out of baking ingredients. Whenever I had a problem or a complaint, my hand would just grab my phone to WhatsApp him and pour out my feelings. He would always give sound advice and give the best of solutions.

I am still in denial at times because I didn’t just lose a brother. I lost my best friend. Every time when I see a motorbike passing by my house, it pulls my heartstrings. It hurts me to think that I will never see him again.  I don’t know when I would heal. Every time I feel a little better, the next moment something triggers and I’m back there again. I miss you a lot Bobbie. A part of me left with you. But I also know I have to take care of mom and our family. You have always been the glue in the family, and I will try to be like you. You have imparted so many wise teachings to me.  He had always supported my love for baking and he enjoyed looking at the pictures on the blog. I know he would want me to continue doing what I used to do.

I miss you a lot Bobbie. Thinking you would not walk through that door again, still hurts. Not hearing your voice or seeing your face still feels like someone is clenching tight at my heart. But at the same time, I’m grateful that you are a part of me. Yes, “are” because you will always be. I would have loved that we grew old together. The many dreams that are still unfulfilled.

Do keep a watch on us from up there. Since you are with God now, keep reminding him to give us the strength whenever we need it. Till we meet again Bobbie. One day, I will be waiting for you at a shelter up there and please do come to me on your bike, just as how it has always been. ♥